Thoughts from Years Lost

On Self-Awareness and Self-Control

8 November 2018

1

I often think back to a time when I was homeless...utterly homeless.

The kinds of feelings I experienced during those years were something I could have never prepared for, something that I could not have ever expected. And so I had to learn how to make sense of those feelings and to manage them so that they didn't destroy me.

2

When you're homeless you have an unbelievable amount of free time on your hands. And when you have nothing to do, no work or purpose or routine to keep your mind distracted, you spend a lot of time alone with your own thoughts and feelings. And since being homeless is a purely negative and miserable experience, that alone-time with those thoughts and feelings can render a person completely toxic in a very short amount of time.

One of the things I enjoyed doing most with all of my free time during those years of homeless existence was to sit on a small hill in the city, behind my favorite grocery store, and watch people come and go. Normal healthy people, going about their normal healthy lives. And I would envision myself one day doing the same: pulling into the parking lot on a bright and beautiful summer day, getting out of my car, heading into the store, and casually taking my time browsing all of the aisles for food that I wanted to enjoy. I imagined a normal healthy life. I watched those people come and go, and I told myself that one day that would be me.

Everything I did in those years was with intent to overcome the condition. I didn't want to be homeless, so I set my mind on a vision of the future, a vision of myself living the normal and healthy life that I wanted to live. Living in the moment wasn't an option, because the moment was toxic.

3

You always have choices in life, even when living on the street with absolutely no money, no job, no home, no friends or family. But most people, including people who aren't suffering from any actual serious struggle, like to act as if they have none. They want an excuse to be miserable and to take their misery out on others...others who had absolutely nothing to do with their misery.

When I look back on those most painful years of my life, I think about some key moments that have changed my mode of mind forever. One key moment was incredibly simple, seemingly benign, one that virtually everyone experiences so often that they don't even think about it. In this moment I learned that even those with the least amount of options still have choices to make. And I learned that one can choose a higher road even when one is feeling their lowest.

As I mentioned before: when you're truly homeless you have virtually nothing to do...and this is what gets most homeless people into trouble. One of the things I did in order to give myself something to do everyday was to keep myself hungry: I would never stock up or store food. I made sure that I needed to get up and to venture out and around. I daily shopped for food (with what little the state offered in food assistance). Shopping for food was part of my daily routine - a routine that added normalcy to my life and kept me from sinking into the depths of my condition. And I always shopped at places I loved, places that made me feel happy and healthy and normal, places that reminded me of a time when I was a normal person like everyone else.

It was during one of these routine daily shopping excursions that I experienced the above-mentioned moment that forever altered the way my mind works. I can't say for exactly how long I'd been homeless at this point. Part of me feels like it might have only been several months, but another part of me feels like it was just over a year...most likely because it's an experience that happened often and one that was constantly conscious in my mind. Either way, it doesn't matter when it happened. What matters is what happened... 

I remember feeling utterly exhausted. The days and weeks had been adding up, and hopelessness was setting in. I was reaching the point where I sincerely believed that I was going to die a homeless man, never again experiencing a life that included a place to call my own, a routine that I alone chose. I had gone to the grocery store like any other day, got one or two little things that I could afford, and waited in line at the checkout. When I got to the register the cashier did what all cashiers do: she asked me how I was doing that day. I responded almost instantly, as most people do, but the time between when she asked me how I was and when I responded seemed to be a much greater length of time. Time seemed to stand still in my mind as I sorted out things that I had never before been conscious of.

She asked me how I was doing that day, and in that moment I realized two things: 1) I have a choice in how I respond to her, and 2) How I respond to her will have an effect on her. I chose to lie.

4

In my mind in that moment I saw concepts I'd never before given any thought to. Prior to that I had been as selfishly self-focused, self-absorbed as anyone else. But suffering for prolonged periods of time has a way of changing people...in body, mind, and spirit.

In that moment I suddenly realized that my feelings weren't the only feelings in the world. Others had feelings of their own. And my feelings had the potential of negatively impacting those around me.

In my mind I immediately recognized that she was happy, and since I hadn't been happy in a great length of time I immediately cherished her happiness and developed an urge to protect it. For all I know she didn't even give much thought to the fact that she was happy, but in my consciousness all I could see was her happiness, and it seemed to me to be the meaning of life. I literally wanted to protect her from how horrible I was feeling inside. So I lied. I smiled at her, with my eyes as casually bright as I could make them, and told her that I was having a great day. I was trying to sustain her happiness and even increase it if I could.

She really did seem to be having an exceptionally good day at work, and I sincerely did not want to take that from her. I felt like hell about my own life, but that wasn't her fault. And I'd be damned if I was going to bring her down just because my life was at an all-time low.

It was in that moment that I realized that you can choose, in your actions, how you respond to your feelings. I could have been completely honest with her. I could have told her how horrible I'd felt after weeks and months of being homeless. I could have interrupted her happiness with my misery...hell, she probably would have felt sympathetic toward me and given me money...she certainly seemed kind and caring enough. But I chose to protect her from myself, because it wasn't her fault that I was homeless and tired and hungry and miserable. She was a good person. She was innocent. And she deserved to feel happy.

In that moment I found happiness in knowing that not everyone was suffering like I was. I was genuinely happy for her happiness. And so it was my obligation to contain my negativity and not let it affect innocent people.

5

Again, most people act like they don't have a choice. They act like they have no control over their own thoughts, words, or actions. And they come up with any excuse they can to justify why they don't do the right thing.

In that moment I knew that I would never allow myself to be one of those selfish creatures who, consciously or unconsciously, consider themselves to be more important than everyone else...one of those people who believes that everyone should care about their precious little feelings.

It was over the course of those years of suffering and struggle that I realized there is absolutely no law anywhere in the universe that says people have to care about you. They don't, plain and simple. No one is obligated to care about you...EVER. So if you want to be cared about, you first have to be worthy of that care: You have to care about others, regardless of what you're going through.

6

The point of all of this rambling and babbling is this: No matter what you may be feeling, you alone decide what thoughts enter your head, what words come out of your mouth, and what actions your body carries out. You can't control how you feel, that much is absolute. But you have complete and utter control over how you respond to your feelings. Your thoughts, words, and actions are your CHOICE.

You ALWAYS have a choice in life, even when you have very little else. So always choose right-action, no matter what kind of suffering or struggle you may be experiencing. You are not the center of the universe. Your feelings are not more important than anyone else's. Everyone has their own feelings to concern themselves with, and they are not in any way obligated to care about yours.

Take control of yourself. Take control of your thoughts, your words, and your actions. Because if you don't, then your emotions will take that control...and your life will not be the better for it.

You are a community species, and the community only benefits when you put the well-being of the people above your own ego and emotions. The community shouldn't have to suffer just because selfish individuals are suffering. If you want people to care about you, then you must first be worthy of their care. You must first care about them.